The Lights of This City
by Carving Stars
Summary: Unbidden, a color of the most beautiful blue rises before his eyes and Magnus quickly tries to shake off the thoughts, not wanting to go there again. It's been two months; it shouldn't still be hurting this much. But a beautiful broken teenage boy still very much has his heart. Malec, one-shot, contains spoilers for CoLS.


**Full summary: **Unbidden, a color of the most beautiful blue rises before his eyes and Magnus quickly tries to shake off the thoughts, not wanting to go there again. It's already been two months; it shouldn't still be hurting him this much. But a beautiful broken teenage boy still very much has his heart. Malec, one-shot, rated T for cussing and sexual references, contains spoilers for CoLS. Not a sequel to _Drunk_. Set during winter.

**Warnings: **Cussing and sexual references. Set after _City of Lost Souls_, but not that long afterwards. No real relation to the book. This is a Malec (Magnus x Alec) fanfiction so don't like, don't read. In this, the books have already gone through a winter.

**Notes:** The characters and the book series belong to Cassandra Clare and not me. Cassandra Clare has also stated that Alec's Stamina Rune is on his shoulder.

R&R, if you please! (:

**The Lights of This City**

"_And I'd give up forever to touch you _

'_cause I know that you feel me somehow__._

_You're the closest to Heaven that I'll ever be_

_and I don't want to go home right now__._

_And all I can taste is this moment_

_and all I can breathe is your life_

'_cause__ sooner or later it's over__._

_I just don't want to miss you tonight__."_

-"Iris", Goo Goo Dolls

Magnus watches the snow falling down, the wind cool as it rushes past him on this cold winter night.

The snow's glimmering in the lights shining throughout the city, pure and white. The coffee in Magnus' hand is still hot, despite the chill in the air, and it's burning through the gloves he's wearing. He'd actually gone into the nearest Starbucks and paid for it rather than using magic to get it, but he has yet to drink it.

So he just resumes his walking, keeping a hold on the Starbucks coffee, the cars on the street rushing past him with so many destinations in mind.

_That's one thing that could be counted good about being immortal_, Magnus thinks as he watches an Impala drive away, well over the speed limit. _You have plenty of time to get wherever you want to be. But sometimes… where you want to be no longer has what you need._

Unbidden, a color of the most beautiful blue rises before his eyes and Magnus quickly tries to shake off the thoughts, not wanting to go there again. It's already been two months; it shouldn't still be hurting him this much.

But a beautiful broken teenage boy still very much has his heart.

Magnus sighs into the night, trying to force his mind to focus on the snow rather than on Alec. While winter isn't Magnus' favorite season, snow is a definite plus. Magnus likes snow; it makes everything seem so quiet. He likes the bland, pretty color of the sparkling white on the ground, likes the scent of cinnamon that always seems to hang around, he likes the Christmas decorations and the music—

He likes the reds and greens reflecting in Alec's eyes. He likes the redness, caused by the cold, in Alec's otherwise pale cheeks. He likes the snow caught in Alec's jet black hair and his hand in his and his quiet, shy laugh in the dead of winter.

Magnus runs a hand through his spiked hair, another sigh escaping his lips. He's so tired of this.

Suddenly, a loud peal of laughter breaks through the calm and a jolt shoots up Magnus' spine—he recognizes the raucous laugh.

It's Jace's.

Looking over his shoulder, Magnus sees three people standing on the sidewalk across the street, in front of a small, still-open café decked out in Christmas lights. Jace's hair is shining in the streetlight stationed near the three Lightwoods, Isabelle's arms are full of shopping bags – presumably gifts –, and Alec… Alec looks so beautiful.

Just like Magnus remembers from last year, the lights are caught in Alec's hair, his porcelain skin raw and red and pretty, his eyes bright despite everything that's happened in his life. He's wearing a blue V-neck shirt that's only a few shades deeper than the color of his eyes with a well-fitted, half-way buttoned-up black coat over it. Just like Jace, he's wearing skinny jeans that look a little too good on him.

Magnus quickly turns back around as Isabelle points excitedly towards a shop near him, walking away to the sound of both Jace's and Isabelle's laughter. Of course he's seen them, but that's only been during Clave meetings about Jonathan and he hasn't talked to Alec since that day in the abandoned train tunnel. He doesn't think he can handle them at this moment, especially if he has to see the pain in Alec's eyes and the anger in his brother's and sister's.

…

It's an hour away from Christmas now and Magnus is alone.

It's nothing new, but last year it had been so nice having Alec over. While both of them weren't sure in what they believed in, they had celebrated Christmas together—in their own strange way.

But now he's lying, by himself, on the long red leather couch in front of the large fireplace he has added to his loft, remembering last Christmas and the many Christmases before that. When you're immortal, time stretches out before you and even then you don't notice the days trickling past. People come and go, Magnus knows, but he never expected Alec to go so quickly.

There's a bottle of Smirnoff on the floor, seated next to the couch, which Magnus has been ignoring up till now. Yet as he reaches out his hand to grab it, wanting to drink away the memories, the sound of the buzzer interrupts the silence of his loft.

He debates whether he should get it or not, and eventually decides that he should in case it's somehow important because, really, who would bother him on Christmas Eve with one hour till midnight? He gets up off the couch and moves over to the door, speaking into the buzzer. There's no answer. He sighs, but grants the person permission to come in, remembering Jace's attitude and the Shadowhunters' in general.

The next second, there's a quiet knock on his door. He opens it without a thought and when he sees who's standing there, the first thing he thinks is that he definitely wasn't expecting that. The second is that he's mad at him, the third is that he misses him, and all the rest are jumbled together.

"Hi," Alec breathes. Even though there are currently no windows in Magnus' place, he can tell that it's snowing—the snow is in Alec's hair and melting to water on his opened black coat. His eyes are overly bright, like apprehension has seeped into them and there's a wrapped gift in his gloved hands.

Magnus doesn't reply at first and when he does, he only says one word: "Alexander." It's between a question and a statement, an anger-induced word and a terribly sad one.

"I... I'm—" Alec bites his lip when he can't find the right words, heat rushing to his already red cheeks. "I'm sorry for coming over, especially without any warning, and I know you said that you didn't want to s-see me again, but I was going through my closet and I found a present I didn't give you last year. And… and I just figured that I should give it to you."

When Magnus doesn't reply, Alec sighs and shakes his head.

"I knew it was a bad idea coming here," he says. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize if you've come anyways," Magnus says, sliding his tan fingers underneath the present and taking it into his hands.

Keeping his eyes on Alec, Magnus begins to unwrap the present carefully, shedding the plain red wrapping paper on the ground. When all of it falls away, a black box is revealed with a designer label plastered across the front. Magnus dimly recognizes it and once he takes off the lid, he knows why.

Placing the lid underneath the box, he pulls out a soft violet purple scarf, his eyes going back to Alec.

"Remember?" Alec asks, a note of disappointment coloring his voice. "It-It's the scarf from the time you dragged me along to go shopping and I… I said that it matched your eyes and you got so happy because you said that I'd finally started getting a sense of fashion and—"

"I remember," Magnus interrupts Alec's speech quietly. "I remember, Alexander."

After a silent moment, Alec glances at the oak grandfather clock Magnus has invited into his home and cusses meekly under his breath.

"It's getting late. I've got to go back—home."

Magnus notices the slight hesitation in Alec describing the Institute as his home and raises an eyebrow, but doesn't say anything on the matter. It's not his place anymore. Yet as he watches Alec turn to leave, irrational words rush from his lips before he has the chance to stop them.

"Won't you stay, Alexander?" he asks softly. "At least, for a little while?"

Alec's body freezes and he slowly turns around, a dubious expression on his pale face.

"Do you really think that's a good idea, Magnus?" he questions.

Magnus shakes his head.

"No, probably not," Magnus answers truthfully. "But, won't you?"

Alec shrugs one shoulder and steps into the loft and Magnus watches his expression change—like he has become more relaxed, stepping back into the place he hasn't set foot in for a couple months. Before Magnus realizes it's the wrong thing to do, he's sliding Alec's coat off his body and hanging it on a peg near the door.

Quickly getting past the tense moment, Magnus says with a forced smile, "I have alcohol. Care for some?"

…

Alec's body is cold as he leans into Magnus, slowly closing his eyes. Magnus puts his fingers on Alec's bare skin, tracing the scars of past Runes there for a few seconds, and then carefully moves his way to the Stamina Rune carved into Alec's shoulder.

"You're cold," Magnus murmurs into Alec's hair, pressing his hand to the Rune that has done so much for their relationship.

Alec nods slightly.

"I don't feel well," he whispers, keeping his eyes closed.

"Why?"

"I don't know," Alec replies honestly. "I just… I just feel like this is a bad idea."

"Like what is a bad idea?"

"Us, _this_," Alec clarifies, his voice strengthening for a second. "We're supposed to be broken up, Magnus… not sleeping together."

Magnus sighs and drops his hands from Alec's body.

"I know," he agrees. "It's a horrible idea, but I take credit for it."

"Why?" Alec echoes Magnus' earlier question, opening his eyes to look at Magnus.

"Because it's my fault," Magnus replies with an easy shrug. "I'm the one who invited you in last night, I'm the one who kissed you first, I'm the one who started taking things too far."

"You're the one who drunk enough for his judgment to become impaired," Alec says. "_I'm _the one who was sober enough to stop it."

"I'm the one who ended our relationship in the first place."

"Yeah," Alec says after a minute. "You are."

And then he's moving away from Magnus and out of the bed, his sudden quick movements worrying Magnus.

"Where are you going?" Magnus asks as Alec picks his pants off the floor and wiggles into them, having some difficulty since they're once again skinny jeans.

"Back to the Institute," he says. "I don't even know what I'm going to tell everyone. They were expecting me back last night and now it's nine o'clock in the fucking morning and—and everyone's probably already there because of course Mom had to invite Luke and Jocelyn and Clary over and Jace even extended the invitation to Simon even though he's Jewish and—"

"Alexander," Magnus gently cuts off the tirade. "Calm down."

"Don't tell me to calm down," Alec snaps, turning his gaze back to Magnus on the bed.

"Honey—"

"And don't call me honey," Alec adds, his voice becoming sharper still.

"Alexander—" Magnus tries again, but Alec cuts him off once more.

"No," he says. "Don't you try to say anything, Magnus! _You _are the one who broke up with _me_! I know what I did was horrible and it shouldn't have even crossed my mind to say yes to Camille, but you're the one who ended our fucking relationship so don't you dare try to say anything to me!"

Magnus puts down his outstretched hand, halfway through reaching for Alec, and listens to him. All that Alec said was true, after all. Magnus has no room for trying to reconcile with him.

There's a short pause and then Alec's saying, "I hate this, Magnus."

Magnus nods, still not talking, not wanting to test Alec's temper more. He knows that it's easy for Alec to become defensive.

"Why did things have to turn out this way?" Alec continues, trying to bring the volume of his voice down. "I—_we _love each other, don't we?"

"Of course we do," Magnus finally says, tentatively reaching out his hand towards Alec again. This time, Alec takes it. He slides his fingers into Magnus' and lets himself be pulled back onto the bed, still only half dressed.

"But… _should _we be together?" he asks, resting his chin on top of Alec's head. "I don't know, Alexander. I know I still want to be, but I have no clue if it's a smart – or right – idea."

Alec groans and presses his face into Magnus' chest, his words barely audible. "It sounds so horrible, being spoken out loud."

Another sigh. "I know it does."

…

Another month passes. Another month of feeling absolutely nothing, except pain, which comes in short excerpts of extreme agony and then quickly disappears to be replaced with numbness because they've decided not to try.

Magnus didn't even feel this bad with Camille and he doesn't know what to do. Hoping to clear his mind, he goes outside late at night almost every night and walks around the city. But the peace and the calm get to him and unwanted thoughts invade his mind, and then he's just thrown back into square one.

If he had any clue that Alexander Lightwood would hurt him this much, he wouldn't have taken the chance in the first place.

But he did and now he's outside again and he's thinking about blue eyes and black hair, pale skin and faded Runes, moans into the night and tears in the daylight—everything that is Alec.

Magnus kicks a stone out of his way as he walks down the middle of an empty street, the cold January air rushing about him as the silence overwhelms him. He doesn't like the quiet and he doesn't like the loudness of his mind. Both irritate him. He tries to escape by going outside, into a world of complete silence or annoying loudness. It doesn't help. Yet he doesn't go back inside because back inside his loft means back inside the rooms where he and Alec have made countless memories and that's what he really wants to run from.

…

Magnus has Chairman Meow in his arms and he's sitting up in his bed, staring at one of the highly decorated walls without really looking at it as he lightly strokes the Chairman's head. Alec called a few minutes ago, saying that he needs to talk to Magnus. About what, Magnus isn't sure and Alec didn't say, but Magnus agreed anyways. Chairman Meow jumps out of Magnus' arms a minute later, scared by the sudden loud knocking on the front door since Magnus has left the main door unlocked, and runs into one of the other rooms to seek refuge and with a small sigh, Magnus gets up from his bed and walks to the front door.

A feeling of both dread and melancholy are griping at his heart before he opens the door to see Alec standing there, his hair windblown and his lips pulled down into a slight frown.

"Hello, Alexander," Magnus says, moving to the side to let Alec through the doorway. Alec quickly steps inside and turns back around to face Magnus as he shuts the door.

"You wanted to talk with me about something?" Magnus prompts after a while when Alec doesn't say anything, raising his eyebrows in question. "Is it about Jonathan? Because you know I'll hear about it at—"

"It's not about Sebastian," Alec interrupts, shaking his head. "It's not about Shadowhunters or any of the like."

"Then, what is it about?"

"Us."

Alec's voice holds defiance, like he's daring Magnus to tell him to shut up or to let it go, but Magnus doesn't. He was kind of expecting it, anyways, and he doesn't want to cut off Alec.

He keeps his eyebrows raised, copying Alec's position, and then leans against the door—waiting. Alec looks shocked that Magnus is actually willingly listening to him, but the misplaced anger takes over again in the next second.

He takes a deep breath, but his voice isn't as strong as he wants it to be when he speaks.

"I'm tired of it, Magnus," he says, his voice soft and quiet and not at all what he wants. "I'm tired of thinking about you, I'm tired of wanting you. I'm tired of my family asking me if I'm all right and talking to me like I'm breakable. I'm tired of dreaming about you, and I'm tired of thinking that I need you."

"You don't need me," Magnus notes gently.

"I knowI don't need you," Alec agrees finally, "but it _feels _like I do and I am so sick of that."

Magnus understands. Better than Alec might think he does, most likely. He doesn't like feeling that way either, especially when he knew that something like this was bound to happen in the first place. But he can't help it when it comes to Alec. Alec breaks every rule Magnus has ever set up, and almost every wall he's built up. And feeling like he needs him is no exception.

"What are you trying to say, then?" Magnus asks when it takes Alec a while to continue.

"I honestly don't know what I'm trying to say," Alec sighs. "But I do know that I'm not trying to say that I'm tired of loving you, because I'm definitely not. I don't care if holding on to you, on to us, hurts me—I… I just don't care. That's basically the only thing that I'm not tired of in this fucked up relationship of ours."

There's another pause and Magnus finally says, "I don't know what you want me to say, Alexander."

"I don't know what I want you to say, either."

"Well, what do you want me to do?" Magnus continues, staring into those beautiful blue eyes that, more or less, captivate him.

"I want you to kiss me," Alec says without any hesitation, the forgotten defiance reentering his voice as he balls his hands into fists at his sides. "I want you to kiss me and tell me you don't want me here, that you want to give up on us."

"You know I can't tell you any of that," Magnus replies, but he doesn't tell him no.

"Do I?" Alec asks, the skin around his knuckles turning pure white from all of his pain and anger and loneliness. "I'm not sure I do anymore, Magnus. I want you to prove it to me that you can't disregard this."

There's a beat of complete silence, when not even the cars rushing past on the streets outside can penetrate the quiet of the loft. And then Magnus is pulling Alec towards him, his hands going to his slim hips, and their lips are against each other's and it feels so good and so right and Magnus feels like this is exactly where he should be.

Now Alec's pulling away, much to Magnus' disappointment, and gasping, "Tell me, Magnus. Tell me you don't want this anymore."

But he can't, Magnus can't and he says instead, "I need you, Alexander. Stay. Stay here with me." And Alec stays.


End file.
